Even If You Mess Up, Keep Going (Repost from 3.23.16)

[This is a repost from 2 volleyball seasons ago. I’ve had a few conversations recently that led me to pull this lesson back out as a reminder to all of us.]

I talk a lot about our daughter in my blogs. I can’t help it. I find her to be amazing, intriguing, and witty. I guess you can say she’s pretty much my hero. It seems like every time I turn around, I’m learning something else from her or she’s reinforcing a life lesson that I know deep down to be true but sometimes find it hard to implement. This past weekend was no exception.

Our daughter plays travel volleyball. She works very hard and her dedication is evident in the vast improvement she has made since the beginning of the season. (Oh, and did I mention that she tried out last year and didn’t even make the team? She worked really hard over the summer and ended up making it this season – that’s just another example of her perseverance and maybe a potential topic for a future post.)

Even with all of the improvements this year, she still has a long way to go. One of the areas that we’ve been focusing on is her blocking. She plays middle hitter and is tall enough, jumps high enough, and is fast enough to be an efficient blocker. However, she has been reluctant to be aggressive at the net. She’s afraid she will miss-time her jump or have noodle hands and therefore just mess up the play instead of making one. We spend a lot of time encouraging her with the hopes that she’ll just give it a try on a regular basis.

She recorded her first official block at this past weekend’s tournament! It was amazing and the look on her face was worth a million dollars. Her whole team erupted with cheers and I think she finished the day about a foot taller than she started the day. It was incredible and her excitement was contagious. There was an extra bounce in her step and she can’t wait to get out there and do it again. We may have created a monster!

But, she didn’t just step out on the court that day and get a block the first time she jumped. She had to jump, and jump, and jump before it happened. Here is how it went down.

1. Don’t think too hard

When she plays on instinct and without fear, she can be a pretty aggressive player at the net. She has been demonstrating this in practice over the past couple of weeks and has been surprising herself with just how effective she can be when she just goes for it. Game time is a whole different ball game because she has been working hard to gain the respect of her teammates, many who have been playing travel ball for a while, and she doesn’t want to make any mistakes and disappoint them.

On her first opportunity to block at the net, she missed and the ball fell behind her. I immediately turned to my husband and said, “She’s thinking too hard.” You could see it all over her face. The second opportunity came and there was a similar result. The third came and she missed again. Three attempts and three failures. Then she stopped trying. Not only did she stop playing at the net on defense, her hitting was less aggressive and you could see her thinking too hard even on that phase of her game.

Over thinking was getting in the way of her instinct. The “what ifs”, doubt that she could execute, and fear of not doing it correctly were keeping her from just going for it. We as adults do this every day. We over think to the point of paralysis. We do this as parents, we do this as employees, we do this as entrepreneurs, and we do this as people. What if I don’t do it perfectly? What if people don’t like what I’m doing? What if I find out I’m not any good at this? The “what ifs” keep us from going for it. Don’t over think it, just do it.

2. Don’t let naysayers get in your way

As I said earlier, after she missed her first three attempts, she stopped jumping at all. She didn’t look like herself on offense either and I could tell she was pretty disappointed. After the match, I asked her what was going on. She said that after she missed those blocks a couple of her teammates approached her and told her to stop trying to do something that she obviously couldn’t do. They said she was messing it up for the team (even though they won the match) and she needed to stop. They took whatever ounce of confidence that she did have and smashed it. She told me she was not going to attempt to block for the rest of the tournament because it just wasn’t worth it.

We spent some time talking about what happened. We talked about her teammates’ frustrations and then we talked about how to get her back into her game. Eliminating her defensive play at the net was getting her out of her rhythm on the offensive side and that was more damaging than her three missed blocks. We talked about the technical side of her block and she admitted she was putting way too much thought into each jump for fear she would mess up instead of just letting her instinct take over.

She didn’t attempt much else at the net for the rest of the day. She had let her teammates rattle her enough that she wasn’t willing to try. I was disappointed in her reaction but understood. We’ve all been there. I would say that probably everyone reading this has been in a situation where they have ignored their instincts or changed their path because others didn’t think they could do it. No one wants to disappoint those they care about and often times we will lose touch with who we are at our core in order to appease others. That could be through choosing a career path because our parents thought it was the responsible thing to do or marrying a certain person because they come from “good stock” or not reaching outside of our comfort zone because others don’t think we will be successful.

Letting naysayers get the best of us keep us from reaching our potential. Listen to your gut and don’t let the naysayers get in your way. Luckily, last weekend was a two-day tournament and our daughter decided that on day two she was going to ignore the naysayers. (It also didn’t hurt that I bribed her with cash if she got a block. I won’t lie. Bribery can be an effective motivator. I even bribe myself at times to reach the next milestone or take a step outside of my comfort zone. I encourage all of you to try it sometime.)

3. Visualize, practice, do

In the car to the tournament site on day one, our daughter announced that she thought something big was going to happen during the weekend. She said that different scenarios kept playing through her mind. Either she was going to serve an ace for a match win or she was going to make an awesome dive to save the ball and keep it in play. She didn’t know exactly what it was going to be but she just had this feeling that she was going to make a big play of some sort.

None of those things happened on day one.

In the car to the tournament site on day two, our daughter announced that she still felt like she was going to make a big play. Since it didn’t happen on day one she just knew it would happen on day two.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation.

Before the second set of the final match started, I noticed her standing at the net practicing her blocking. She was jumping with purpose and intention – two things we talk about with blocking all of the time. My husband elbowed me to see if I had noticed what she was doing. I had never seen her do this before so of course I was curious about what was going through that brain of hers. I was hopeful that she had decided to do what she knew she could do and not let her teammates convince her that she couldn’t.

Shortly into that set, it happened! She jumped with purpose and intention and she got her first block. She spun around and looked at the two of us on the sideline with her eyes the size of saucers and the largest smile I have ever seen on her face. Everyone went crazy!

After the match she couldn’t stop talking about it. She said that she just knew that something big was going to happen and so she decided her big thing was going to be to finally get her first block. She said that when she stepped on to the court, she wanted to get that block so badly that she went to the net and practiced while visualizing the ball hitting her hands and going back onto the opponents side of the court. She decided it would happen, she visualized it happening, she practiced for the moment, and she did it.

What big things could you do every day if you decided, visualized, practiced, and took action? I bet the sky is the limit!

4. Celebrate the little wins – it makes you hungry for more

Not a single person told her, “Well, it’s about time.” They all ran to her and celebrated with her. She didn’t win an Olympic medal with that block. They didn’t even win that match. But she reached a very important milestone in her development as a volleyball player and she accomplished the goal that she set out for herself that day. And it felt good. It felt so good she can’t wait for the opportunity to do it again.

And that’s what happens when you celebrate the little wins. It keeps you motivated and it keeps you hungry for more.

Imagine the greatness you can accomplish in your life if you are willing to not think too hard, not let naysayers get in your way, visualize/practice/do, and celebrate the little wins. Even though she almost let a few mistakes side line her, her desire to reach her personal goal eventually silenced the doubts in her head and silenced the doubts of those around her. If you are committed and passionate about what you do, don’t ever let a few missteps keep you from going forward.

PS: Thanks to my husband for suggesting the topic for this week’s post. You are so great at helping me find inspiration in all that goes on around us.

How to Increase Your Risk Tolerance

How do you know when its time to take more risks in your life? They could be career risks or personal risks. Typically, you know its time to take some risks when you start to feel too comfortable where you are.

You’ve heard this a thousand times: growth only happens outside of your comfort zone. So, if you aren’t uncomfortable, then you aren’t growing. If you are really comfortable where you currently are, then you aren’t growing, and its time to take some risks.

However, most of us are scared to death to take risks. Taking risks can be terrifying, dangerous, and can potentially backfire. Therefore, most of us have a very low risk tolerance. If we need to be uncomfortable to grow and we need to take risks to be uncomfortable, then its helpful to learn how to increase your tolerance to risk. Here are four ways to do just that.

1.       Share your real goals

Don’t be afraid to share your real goals with those people who believe in you and support you. They will be the ones to encourage, and sometimes even push, you when you need it most. Risk seems less scary when you have folks that believe you can do it.

2.       Always be learning

Those at the top of their game never rest on their laurels. They are always learning. One of the best ways to make risk less terrifying is to immerse yourself in what it is you are looking to do. Read about it. Listen to podcasts about it. Spend time with people who have done it. The more you learn, the more prepared, the better chance for success.

3.       Embrace your story

One of the hardest things to do in life is to be fully who you are. Our whole life has been filled with other people’s expectations for us. However, the cost of seeking approval and being something that is not true to who we really are is high. It is very freeing to understand you don’t have to live up to the expectations of others but instead embrace the story of who you really are.

4.       Ask for what you need

Stacy Brown-Philpot, CEO of Task Rabbit, has been quoted as saying, “The hardest part for a lot of women is to think about what you really need to be successful – and to go ask for that.” The worse thing that can happen when you ask is someone telling you no. And hearing no doesn’t put you in a worse place than when you started. If you need X, it’s because you don’t have X. If you ask for X and are told no, you still don’t have X. No worse. But if they say yes, you are just that much closer to successfully accomplishing what you want.

Is it time for you to take more risks? Leave a note in the comments letting us know what areas you need to experience more risk and how you are going to approach that risk in order to keep growing. We’ll be here to support you every step of the way.

“The Learning Trap” (David Covey + Stephan Mardyks)

David Covey and Stephan Mardyks’ book, Trap Tales: Outsmarting the 7 Hidden Obstacles to Success  is a guide to avoiding the seven obstacles that ensnare people every day. The thing about traps is that we usually don’t realize we’ve fallen into one until we are in completely over our heads.

I had the opportunity to listen to an interview of David where he discussed a few of the traps that he and Stephan cover in their book. One of the traps that he discussed jumped out at me in particular.

The Learning Trap

We all know that there is no growth inside of our comfort zone. Growth only happens outside of it. In order to get outside of our comfort zone, we must stretch or learn something new. However, we are so afraid of making a mistake that we either don’t fully commit or we beat ourselves up over any little misstep.

The problem is that we spend so much energy trying to minimize the mistakes that we forget that mistakes are part of the process. And here is the trap. We are so focused on outcomes and results that we discount the process of learning.

Rarely do people get it right the first time. To be honest, getting it right the first time isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. There is no real learning to be had if you nail it out of the gate. The value comes through the evaluation of mistakes and the adjustments that come from them.

If you have been following my posts for a while then you know that my daughter plays volleyball. She’s a freshman in high school and plays on the JV team for her school. This week the Varsity coach has had her scrimmaging with the Varsity team, which puts her with the upper classmen. These girls have been playing together for four years and know each other so well that they just instinctively understand where each person is going to be on the court at any given time.

Yesterday, our daughter came home from practice pretty discouraged. She said she keeps getting yelled at by the other girls for being in the way. She’s so discouraged that she doesn’t want to scrimmage with them anymore. She’s fallen into the Learning Trap. She wants so badly to minimize the mistakes so that they don’t yell at her that she’s not appreciating the process. The more she is in the way, the quicker she will understand where to go to get out of the way. She’ll begin to understand each girl’s natural zone and begin to develop those same instincts with them that they’ve developed with each other over the years. Making the mistakes and then correcting them will develop her instincts. Making the corrections will develop the Varsity girls’ trust in her as a player.  

Not embracing the process will keep us from really learning, progressing, and succeeding. I see our lives as being broken into seasons. And for each of us, those seasons change. Our daughter is in her skill level where she is in this season of her life/volleyball “career”. Where she is now is not conducive to her volleyball dream of playing at a collegiate level. But she likely will be at a different level in the next season of her life/volleyball “career”- which could be much more conducive to achieving her volleyball dream. If she waits until the next season of her life to start getting prepared, she’ll never be ready when that time comes.

Falling into the Learning Trap keeps us from preparing for the next season of our life. We want to wait until all of the stars are aligned and we already are who we need to be in order to accomplish our dreams with as few mistakes as possible. If you wait for it to be perfect to get started, you will miss it. You will have missed the opportunity to be prepared. Don’t wait for the next season to get started. Start now and embrace the process. Embrace the mistakes and missteps and all that you will learn from them. The learning comes not from the outcome but from the journey.  

The 5 P’s of Getting to Know Your Ideal Client

A common struggle for entrepreneurs is identifying their ideal client or target audience. The problem is that it’s really scary to limit your client or customer base to a subset of people. I mean, I can coach anyone so why wouldn’t I have everyone in my target audience? The issue with trying to appeal to everyone is that you end up appealing to no one.

Even knowing this, it’s terrifying for entrepreneurs to narrow the focus. Mostly because of the fear of potentially leaving money on the table. No one wants to do that. However, being very specific in the creation of your ideal client or customer profile will actually help you make more money not less. The easiest way to narrow the focus is to ask yourself not “who can I serve?” but rather “who do I want to serve?”

One of the best processes I’ve heard for narrowing your client focus was presented by Mitch Matthews on one of his Dream. Think. Do. Podcasts. He teaches a process called The 5 P’s of Getting to Know Your Ideal Client. Following this process allows you to begin with the “who” in mind. Here is what Mitch recommends.

·         P – Profile

The first P in the process of defining who you want to serve is to create their profile. This profile can be based on demographics (gender, age, job description, hobbies, etc). It can also be value based, meaning based on your ideal client’s goals, interests, and beliefs. Or even a combination of the two.

The key here is to make the profile specific enough to help you make decisions. It’s amazing how much easier marketing and networking decisions become when you have a clearer picture of the profile of your ideal client/customer.

·         P – Problems

In order to have a viable business, you must solve a problem(s) for people. Having a deep understanding of the problems your potential clients/customers face and then being able to describe those problems better than they can will position you as part of the solution for the problem they are facing. What do they want to fix or change? They may not have even ever shared the problem with anyone before. Your ability to articulate what they are experiencing will make you seem like a mind reader to them.

The better you are at isolating the problems, the easier it will be to speak their language through your blogs, marketing, speaking opportunities, etc.

·         P – Passions

The third P in the process is to understand your ideal client’s passions. What would they love to become? What would they love to do? What are their desired outcomes?

Knowing their passions will allow you to paint the picture of how their life could look if they allowed you to solve their problems.

·         P – Paradigms/Mindset

The fourth P can be a little challenging because we know we can be helpful to people even before they know we can be helpful to them. Being able to recognize a person’s paradigm or current mindset will help you determine if they are ready for your solution. Are they open to what you are offering? What season are they in? Meaning, is the timing right? Some people will be a better fit later than they are now. And, often over looked but very important – are they jerks or someone you would really enjoy helping. It doesn’t matter if they are purchasing a sofa or hiring you to remodel their kitchen, no one really likes dealing with jerks and you shouldn’t have to if you don’t want to.

Understanding the current paradigm or mindset of a person ready to take action will help you identify when someone isn’t ready to take action. This will save you a countless amount of time and frustration.

·         P – Payment

The last P is very important. Just because they agree your solution will work, doesn’t mean they will pay for your solution. Identifying the type of person willing to spend money on what you have to offer will also save you a ton of time and frustration.

As a practical application of this process, sit down with pen and paper and follow these four steps.

1.       A & E – write down anyone and everyone you could work with.

2.       First Draft – experiment with an ideal client profile by working through the 5 Ps. This will start to give you clarity to focus your efforts.

3.       Experiment & Adjust – begin using your draft profile to guide your actions and efforts. This is an experiment. Review the impact and don’t be afraid to adjust the profile until it feels effortless and exactly in line with who you want to serve.

4.       Micro-niche – after a few adjustments you will end up with a very specific description of the micro-niche you were born to serve. You will know it and your ideal client/customer will know it as well.

It takes a ton of courage to draw a line in the sand when it comes to target clients/customers. However, if you are able to take this step in your business, you will definitely reap the rewards. First, your ideal clients will know you are talking specifically to them. And second, you can leverage your efforts and your resources by focusing them in and on the right activities. And who wants to work with anyone when you can work with the exact right someone?

The Quickest Way to Diffuse the Angry

We all have to deal with angry people. People get angry all of the time. Maybe you have a family member upset with you for some reason. An unsatisfied employee or customer. Or a fourteen year old daughter livid over limited screen time on her phone. (Unrealistic, I know. But it could happen. Just sayin’.)

Whatever the scenario. Whatever the situation. The easiest and quickest way to remedy an experience with an angry person is to ask these two simple questions.

1.       “What’s wrong?”

2.       “What do you think would be an appropriate way to handle this?”

No one really enjoys conflict and confrontation. So, when we think that someone may be angry with us, we stress over why they are angry and what to do about it. Then we pile on a big ‘ol helping of taking it personally.

All the stress and worry wears on us. The attempt at finding every possible way to avoid the person and the situation is exhausting. These two questions eliminate all of this immediately. How? By taking the guess work out of it. Most people just want to be heard and to know that their feelings are valid. Asking the questions confirm for them that they have been heard and that their feelings are important to you. And instead of you stressing over the exact right way to handle it, it’s just easier to ask what they want.

By taking out the guesswork, you immediately diffuse the situation and eliminate the possibility of making it worse by guessing wrong.

I’ll challenge you to try this the next time you are dealing with an angry person, in any capacity. Let me know how it goes by leaving a comment below. Are there other techniques you have used to solve similar issues? I’d love to hear about those, too!

(I told you it would be quick!)

Truths and Myths of Self-Improvement

I was listening to a session being led by Nick Ortner the other day. He was talking about how to manifest your greatest self. Nick shared a lot of things that we inherently know and understand but even with understanding, they are difficult to implement. Here are a few truths he covered:

·       All change begins from within.

Everyone knows this, right? If we want to make changes that stick, we have to have a large enough internal desire to work on those things. No one can do it for us.

So, if no one can do it for us, why do we find it so easy to use others as the excuse for not getting it done?

·       Self-help can morph into self-punishment if we aren’t careful.

This one caught me off guard a little bit. I’d never really made this connection but it’s so true. We decide we want to work on something – let’s take health and fitness as an example – but then we make the regiment so strict, so difficult to follow, and so painful to implement that it feels more like punishment than the road to improvement.

I understand “no pain, no gain” but if there no pleasure in the process, you will never achieve your goals. You will quit way before you get there.

·       Self-improvement must be done out of joy and understanding that you are doing the best you can.

This statement ties in with the previous statement Nick made. Not only do we make the process difficult to follow or accomplish, we then beat ourselves up over not doing it perfectly. Then we get the double whammy! We hate the process and we are disappointed for not getting it right every single day.

In order for self-improvement to work you have to find joy in the process. And you have to love and understand yourself enough to know that you are doing the best you can. Grace and mercy are huge components of self-improvement. So show yourself some!

Nick talked about some of the myths of self-improvement as well. We all buy into these and we almost wear them as a badge of honor. As a matter of fact, we often use these myths and constant complaining as our way to connect to other people. Especially if we value significance as one of our essential needs in life. Complaining meets the significance need because the people we complain to will generally show sympathy and support in response to the complaining. Their support will make the complainer feel important and valued which meets their need for significance.

Here are the myths of self-improvement Nick covered.

·       I can “panic” myself to a better life.

·       I need to be stressed to be worthwhile, valued, and productive.

·       Feeling guilty makes me a better person.

Think about what is happening when you are sensing a general feeling of stress. If you are feeling stress, it can only be driven by three things: something from your past, something from the present, or something from the future.

In spaces where you are able to be quiet to sit with your stress, you will find that stress usually drives the most creative and resourceful thinking. Meaning the stress is there to help you deal with a particular situation in a more creative and resourceful way. But the only way to get to this mental place is to choose peace over panic in that moment. Choosing panic doesn’t solve anything. It won’t allow enough space for creativity and resourcefulness to come in. The only thing that can open that door is peace.

And when we become more thoughtful, we don’t have to be so busy and stressed. We are more valued, worthwhile, and productive when we are thoughtful than when we are stressed.

How many of you feel guilty all of the time? Guilt feels like it is hard-wired into most women. I wrote a post about guilt last summer and you can read it in its entirety here. We have to realize that feeling guilty does not make us better people. Honestly, it takes courage not to follow the norm and it takes courage to do what’s right for us. So, be courageous, not guilty.

The next time you feel yourself being overcome by stress and guilt on your path to creating your greatest self, remember these truths and these myths, find a quite space to be creative, and give yourself a break. Your best you, is just on the other side.

Are You Courageous?

A couple of weeks ago I had 12 inches cut off of my hair. I didn’t think much about it because it is just hair after all. But I’ve had several people describe my decision to cut my hair as courageous. Courageous? What? Apparently most women so identify themselves with their hair style that they feel it takes courage to make a change in that style.

When I typically think of courage I tend to think of the courage our men and women of the armed services demonstrate through their willingness to protect us. I think of people fighting serious or even life-threatening illnesses and overcoming tragedy. If you asked me if I think of myself as courageous, I would most likely say, no. After all, I don’t think of a haircut as demonstrating a level of courage to be envied.

Since those comments about my hair, I have spent some time thinking about all of the not so obvious ways people demonstrate and embody courage. Quite honestly, all change, regardless of the severity or extremeness of the change requires courage. It could be as simple as a haircut or as drastic as moving to a new city. Do you think people who change jobs or careers are courageous? I certainly do. Realizing you are stuck in a rut of some sort and deciding to change whatever needs to be changed to get out of it certainly demonstrates a level of courage to be envied in my book.

What are some other ways that women demonstrate courage? I think any time we step out of our comfort zone takes courage. If you are the type of person who prefers not to be alone, doing something by yourself takes courage. It could be going to a restaurant to eat by yourself, attending a networking event, or going to a movie by yourself.

I struggle with my self-esteem on a regular basis and I remember the first time I mustered enough courage to go eat in a restaurant by myself back in college. It was one of the most liberating things I had done to that point in my life. It is amazing how good a little courage can feel.

There are other ways to courageously step out of your comfort zone. If you are a little more serious and conservative, finding ways to be more playful and spontaneous definitely takes courage. If you usually are very quiet at meetings or gatherings, speaking up takes courage. Choosing to be visible takes courage. Trying something new takes courage. Even joining an exercise class or taking personal development classes takes courage. Sometimes, just putting on a pair of shorts takes courage!

Another way that we demonstrate courage is by saying “yes” as well as saying “no”. Saying “yes” to new opportunities and saying “no” to things that don’t serve us both require courage. Did you accept a new client today? Deciding to work with someone new takes courage. Deciding not to work with someone new because they aren’t in alignment with what you are trying to accomplish also takes courage – especially when you are trying to make ends meet. Saying “no” to your child takes courage – especially when they are trying to wear you down in order to get their way.

My guess is that on average, most of us don’t consider ourselves to be courageous. I’m here to tell you, that I bet you do courageous things every day without even noticing. Do a favor for me, if you journal or practice gratitude daily, start thinking about ways you demonstrated courage that day. I’m pretty sure you will end up being surprised at just how courageous you are.

If asked now about describing myself as being courageous, I will answer with a resounding, yes. I am courageous, and not just because I got a haircut. Now that I’m paying attention, I notice that I act courageously a lot more often than I ever thought.

How have you been courageous today?