The Easiest Way to Eliminate Overwhelm

Raise your hand if you ever feel overwhelmed by everything you have on your plate. I’m sure most of you are reading this right now with your arm straight up over your head.

It’s okay that you feel this way. And, its completely normal. So, how to we control this feeling of overwhelm?

The easiest way to eliminate overwhelm is to hone in on the things that matter so you can stop worrying about the things that don’t. Don’t focus on more – instead care about less.

Easy, right??

I know, it’s much easier in theory than it is in real life. But here’s the deal. If you are clear on what you want your life to look like and therefore clear on your priorities, then you don’t have to spend time, energy, and mental capacity on those things that don’t impact that picture.

For you entrepreneurs – if your target audience does not spend time reading blog posts, then don’t kill yourself trying to publish posts, even if everyone else does them. If you really need to spend a lot of time right now building your business, then don’t volunteer to serve on six committees within your community/your child’s school/at church. That volunteer work can wait until you are at a place in your business where it makes sense.

As a mom – if your priority right now is to attend every sporting event your child is involved in, then don’t accept an invitation to speak at a conference that will have you away from home for a week. And don’t attend evening events that conflict with games. And hire someone to clean your house/do the grocery shopping/run errands to free you up to keep your priorities your priority.

Focusing on what matters blocks out the noise that makes you feel overwhelmed. Every time I feel particularly overwhelmed, I sit down and make a list of what I have on my plate. I almost always, without exception, find several things on my list that aren’t necessary or don’t really matter. Crossing those items off my list either by delegating them or eliminating them all together immediately allows me to shift from overwhelm to doable. I mean, let’s face it. Most of our overwhelm is self-inflicted any way. Either we don’t want to ask for help or we have this image we feel we need to uphold. It’s just BS ladies. If we have the power to inflict it on ourselves, then we have the power to make it stop.

The next time you feel overwhelm, stop, breathe, and focus on what really matters. You will decrease the feeling of overwhelm, increase the feeling of control, and look like a rock star doing it.

What I Learned from Unplugging

I recently returned from my first real vacation in five years. And what I mean by real is that it wasn’t a “staycation” peppered with home improvement projects and trying to keep our teenager from getting too bored. And it wasn’t work related where we just added on a few days to make it feel like a vacation. This was a real vacation to a tropical location for an entire week. It was long over-due and well-deserved by each family member.

Before we left, all three of us took an oath to really make this count. We were going to do everything in our power to be as present as possible. To really appreciate and enjoy the opportunity presented to us through this break from reality. So, with a lot of discussion, hesitation, and a bit of anxiety, we agreed that this trip would be 100% tech-free. No phones, no computers for the entire week.

We spent time leading up to the trip setting expectations with others. We communicated with coworkers, clients, and family members that we would be unavailable via text, email, or phone for the duration. We distributed the phone number for the resort and instructed people to call the hotel should an emergency arise.

And guess what? Nothing bad happened. The world didn’t stop spinning. Work didn’t come crashing to a halt. There were no emergencies that couldn’t be handled by others. It was all fine. As a matter of fact, it was all better than fine.

The first 48 hours were a little challenging. I was a little anxious about not being available should someone need something. My husband felt like he had forgotten something (which he had because he was actually brave enough to leave his phone and computer at home). And our daughter had to learn to walk with her head and eyes up instead of staring down at her phone. We were a little off balance for a while.

But then we started to get the hang of it.

We read – a lot! We engaged in lively conversation. Not just among ourselves but (gasp) with other people around us. We met Billy from Hilton Head and a really fun group from Virginia Beach (one of which was originally from the neck of the woods where I grew up). We met a young couple from Charlotte and an older couple from Delaware. We met Archie from Australia and a lovely family from London.

We did yoga – and didn’t feel guilty about it. I almost took a nap one afternoon – and didn’t feel guilty about it!

I started to be more aware of my surroundings. I could hear waves crash, I could hear birds sing, I heard the highest-pitched grasshoppers I’ve ever heard before. I felt sun on my face and could taste the salt air. With more awareness came appreciation. And with more appreciation came less stress and guilt over not being accessible to anyone but my husband and daughter.

As the week came to a close, the typical grieving began. But then it stopped. I was sad to get back to reality, but I honestly felt refreshed and grateful and appreciative and happy. While I was sad it was over, it did not feel like the time flew by like it normally does. I fully enjoyed every minute of our time away and feel we reaped full benefits because of our intention to be present throughout.

So, what did a learn from unplugging?

I learned that no one will die on the table if I’m not there. People are capable of taking care of themselves if I’m not there to do it and problems will get solved even if I’m not there to solve them. I learned that quiet can be glorious. I learned that I can be okay with myself by myself. I learned that my family has a lot of conversation material. I learned that I can kick my daughter’s butt at ping pong and my husband can kick my butt at pool. I received a deeper appreciation of just how wonderful of a life and family I truly have. And I learned that unplugging is one of the best ways to recharge.

I challenge you to find time to cut out the noise. Whether you have a vacation coming up or just a few days at home. Make the intention to unplug so that you can recharge. The benefits are endless.

The #1 Myth of Work/Life Balance

Work/life balance is a frequently sought after (and when I say sought after, I mean lace up those sneakers and chase this thing as hard and fast as we can at all times) concept that we desperately want to apply in our lives. And while it often feels just out of reach, I find it interesting that it means different things to different people.

This is the Wikipedia definition of work/life balance.

Work/life balance is a concept including proper prioritization between “work” (career and ambition) and “lifestyle” (health, pleasure, leisure, family, spiritual development/meditation). This is related to the idea of “lifestyle choice.”

I’ve underlined two words in this definition. Prioritization and choice. The concept of work/life balance may be universally understood the specifics of how it appears in our individual lives varies upon priorities and choices.

To ensure we all have the same chance to experience work/life balance, even if our expressions of the concept are all different, I want to cover the #1 myth associated with the concept of work/life balance.

#1 Myth: That there is such a thing as work/life balance.

What? I know you are sitting there going “what you talking about Stacy?” What do you mean there is no such thing as work/life balance?

Here’s the deal. Work/life balance is a myth. That myth asks us to view an ideal life as a set of perfectly level scales. On the tray on one side is your personal life. On the other side is your work life. The myth makes us believe that with super-human efforts, it’s possible to keep both trays exactly level all the time. If one starts to tip too far, we just make some quick adjustment that balances them again.

In reality, that perfect balance almost never occurs, except for those rare moments when the trays pass each other on the way up or down – and typically we’re too frazzled by trying to achieve perfect balance to even notice that brief moment.

So, if that’s the myth, what’s the truth?

The truth is, what we really want is better and more control. We need and desire better ways to manage our work/life boundaries. But to make that happen, we have to understand that not everything is in our control. In reality both work and life – ebb and flow in their demands. The more we assume leadership and responsibility of our own lives – based upon our priorities, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for us, the better able we are to deal with juggling it all.

So, it’s not really about achieving balance. It’s really about achieving optimal integration of the two. What are some examples of that? A basic example is understanding that sometimes work is going to take more than its fair share of your time and sometimes life is going to take more than its fair share. For instance, let’s say you have a project that is requiring extra time at the office. So to offset that time you have some vacation time scheduled. So, it’s not perfectly balanced but the scale tips one way and then tips back the other way. The danger comes when we allow it to tip to one side for too long. That’s when the stress, the anxiety, and the burnout occurs.

So, if it’s really about control. How do we go about gaining more control in this area? Here are two tricks to maintain those things that are in your control when it comes to the integration of work and life.

First – take ownership. A great way to take ownership is to set boundaries. No one is going to do that for you. But in order to be successful at setting boundaries, you have to be aware of those things in your control and those things out of your control. Deciding whether or not to attend a mandatory off-site management meeting on a Saturday vs. hanging out with your kids is not in your control (unless of course you are looking for a way to get fired). However, deciding to take an afternoon off to spend with your kids to make up for the Saturday you missed is in your control. And believe it or not, no one is going to encourage you or make that suggestion for you. It’s something you have to take ownership of. And then on top of that, you have to honor that time by resisting the urge to pick the phone or answer an email from the office if they try to get in contact with you. You must set and stick to those boundaries to see benefit.

Second – Control your mind. Wait that sounds weird. Controlling my mind will allow me to acquire more work/life balance? Yes. How many of you say this on a regular basis – “I don’t have enough time” or “there just isn’t enough time in the day”. We all say it. But saying there isn’t enough time comes from a place of lack. Lack says there isn’t enough. Abundance says there is just enough. Saying I have just enough time to get those things that are priorities for me accomplished because I have control over my time (to a certain degree, right) allows you to claim the power and control over the balance. Going back to the Wikipedia definition of work/life balance you have control over the priorities and therefore can choose what things to dedicate your time to. Sometimes that means saying no to non-mission critical things. Sometimes that means asking for help. But knowing you have control in this way creates ease, relaxation, and balance.

Another way to control your mind is to be present. If you spend all day at work thinking about your responsibilities at home and then spend all day at home thinking about your responsibilities at work, you will never be in balance. The best you can give yourself and others is to be fully present in whatever you choose to do at any moment in time.

Accepting that life doesn’t look like a perfectly level set of scales but more like a see-saw that tips one way then the other and acknowledging that you can take control of how long the seat rests on the ground on each side, will give you the power to achieve that perfect balance that works best in your life. And you define that balance by the priorities you set and the choices you make to support those priorities. Don’t wait on someone to do it for you. Do it for yourself. Do it now.

Last Week of January and Still Don’t Have Goals?

Picture courtesy of http://www.minnie-online.co.za

I cannot believe that we are into the final week of January already. If the entire year goes this fast it’s going to be Christmas again before I know it.

I’ve run into several women recently who have commented on how the month has gotten away from them and they still haven’t sat down to work on their goals or plan for the year. If you find yourself in the same boat, don’t worry. Here are three easy steps to get you on track – and fast!

The key to effective planning is to dream big but plan small. It’s common for us to think we have to have a plan that is as big and outrageous as our dreams. Here’s a secret. That’s not true. When our plans get too big, it’s easy for us to experience overwhelm that causes us to lose momentum. While our dreams should be big and challenging, our plans to support those dreams should be manageable and reasonable.

Step 1: Purge

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s fantastic to do a brain dump but it’s not nearly as effective if you don’t write it down. Carve 30 minutes out of your schedule to find a quiet place to write. Pull out a notebook and begin writing down everything you want to accomplish over the next 12 months. Include all of the goals you want to achieve in the next 12 months and all of the experiences you want to have in the next 12 months.

As you write, think about the three main spheres in your life. These are:

·       Self: health, finance, creative, giving back, personal growth and development

·       Relationships: visits, vacations, improvements

·       Business or career: projects, promotions, raises, goals (like write a book, launch a business), networking

Reminder: as it is with all brain dumps that you do, don’t self-edit. Write down absolutely everything that comes to mind that you think should be on these lists.

Step 2: Prune

Sometimes the best way to grow is to cut back. Think of plants. Plants typically grow to their fullest and healthiest when you prune them. However, to get the best results, you don’t just hack a plant to the ground but instead selectively remove the parts that make the most sense. Pruning as a practice is done to remove deadwood, to improve or maintain plant health, to reduce risk of falling branches, and to increase the yield or quality of flowers/fruits. So, it’s the targeted removal of disease, damage, dead, non-productive, structurally unsound, or otherwise unwanted parts of the plant.

What a beautiful metaphor to apply to our plan. Just as you would target the removal of the parts of the plant that don’t serve the overall health and beauty of the plant for pruning, so should you target the parts of your list that don’t serve the overall health and beauty of your life.

The best way to prune your list is to run it through a series of filters. Ask yourself these three questions as you review the list you wrote down in Step 1.

·       Is the payoff/impact of this item worth what it will take to accomplish it?

·       Will the benefit of this item impact others in some way?

·       Who will I have to become to make this happen?

This filter system will help you decide if the items on your list need to stay or be eliminated. The trick here is to not judge yourself as you go through this process. The inclusion or removal of an item is neither good nor bad. Removing items does not mean you are less than, it simply means that the item is not serving you at this time. Maybe the timing isn’t right. Maybe the importance of the item was being driven by someone else or someone else’s expectations for you and once you really looked at it, it wasn’t being true to you. Whatever the case, strike through the ones that don’t make sense for who you are and where you are in your life at this moment.

Getting super focused in this way helps in two ways. First, it makes sure you don’t take on too much and keeps your plan manageable and reasonable. Second, it eliminates spinning and lack of momentum.

Step 3: Practice

Now that you have your pruned list, put your plan into practice. Everything that you take on, everything you do, and everything you say “no” to should support the items that are left on your list.

This easy process is a good reminder that less is more. By making your plan as tight and right as possible you are making this the most focused and productive year ever. And, it’s never too late to get started – even if it is the end of January already.

Give Yourself a Break Already

If you are like me then I’m sure you are your harshest critic. It spills into many areas of my life including the fact that I never seem to get enough done. I’m always chasing something and always behind where I think I should be. I start my day with the best intentions and the most impressive lists. On days where I make it through my list, I feel energized and proud of myself. On the days that I don’t (which are more days than I care to admit) I feel defeated, ashamed, and critical of my drive, initiative, and passion.

It’s not that I’m not a hard worker. It’s usually because I’ve created such an unrealistic plan for myself that the slightest interruption or fire completely derails the day. How many of you can relate?

So, what if we stopped beating ourselves up over what we are not getting done and instead get to a place where we are okay with knowing we are doing the best we can? What if you learned how to give yourself grace when things just don’t come together? How would that make you feel at the end of the day? Sound impossible? I think these two practices can help.

1.       Be realistic

Usually the biggest reason we feel we haven’t gotten enough done is because our expectations for what to accomplish every day are completely unrealistic. To be fair, if there were no interruptions and we could keep our brain completely focused and on task for 9 hours straight, we could probably get it all done. But that isn’t real life. There are and always will be fires, unplanned meetings, unexpected client calls, unforeseeable requests, and mental fatigue.

I’ll address mental fatigue in the next practice but here is one tip I’ve adopted to help me be more realistic with my time. I’ve started dividing my life to-dos into three categories. Now, notice that I said “life” to-dos and not just work to-dos. I believe that the line between work and home/personal has become so blurred that you really need to include both when planning your day.

Here are the categories that I use:

·       Must do

·       Would like to do but not mandatory

·       Can’t do

The must dos are tasks, projects, assignments, errands, etc. that have to be done today and have to be done by you. Meaning, you can’t delegate them to someone else…unless the must do is to delegate a task to someone else J. I try to limit my number of must dos to about three per day – which takes some planning and thought. Which also means I can’t leave everything until the very last second or I may end up with fifteen things that must be done in one day. It also means that if my day is full of coaching sessions, then I may only be able to tackle one item instead of three. Limiting the number of must dos you have each day will increase the chance that you are able to mark all of them off your list regardless of how many interruptions or fires you face. It will also leave you feeling accomplished at the end of the day. Some may argue that this is just lowering your expectations. I agree. But in a good way. You aren’t lowering your productivity expectations because you are giving yourself permission to not accomplish anything, you are simply being more realistic about what you can really accomplish based upon the known and unknown components of your day.

In addition to your must do list, keep a list of things you would like to accomplish but aren’t mandatory for completion today. If by chance you happen to experience a day with fewer interruptions or one full of extreme focus, you can pull items out of this category and make the most of the extra time or focus. Eventually, these items will end up on your must do list, so taking care of them ahead of time when you can will result is a smaller must do list.

And finally, there are simply items that you just aren’t going to be able to do. Knowing when to eliminate items from your list is just as important as knowing when to add items to your list. If a task or project is not moving you closer to your goal or destination, then it’s not serving you and it needs to go. If an item is outside of your wheelhouse, then give it to someone who can do it better – and be okay with that. It will save you time, money, and frustration.

2.       Do something that energizes you every day

Getting things done takes focus, physical energy, and emotional energy. In order to perform at a high level, you must make deposits into your emotional bank account in order to keep from being overdrawn. So, do something that energizes you every day. For some, it may be doing something creative like writing. For others, it may be escaping outdoors or into a book. Having time to dabble and experiment can be energizing. For me, a great client session gets me pumped and ready to tackle more.

The point is that everyone re-energizes differently but you have to make this part of your day. A car can’t operate with no fuel in the gas tank and you can’t operate without refueling your physical and emotional tank.

Knowing and accepting you are doing the best that you can is not the same thing as settling. We are smart, driven, and far from settling for less than. But beating yourself up for not getting enough done is not healthy and will never lead to contentment and happiness. Sometimes a little grace and forgiveness for doing your best even when it doesn’t come together as scripted every day is the nicest thing you can do for your own success.

How to Decline a Networking Invitation

Usually, when people complain to me about having to network it’s because they feel it’s a waste of time. When we dig deeper into how they are networking, I almost always find that they are networking without a clearly defined purpose, goal, or desired outcome. Without these, there is no way to know with whom and where you should be networking. This leads to an incredible waste of time and energy.

Take 30 seconds and honestly answer these two questions.

1. How many times have you attended a networking event where you just show up and then look for people you know? I know I have, especially when I’m not in the mood to meet new people. Finding people I know allows me to stay in my comfort zone.

2. How many times have you attended a networking event where you had no idea what type of people would be there or how the event may benefit you but you decided to go so that you could mark the act of networking off of your “to-do” list for the month? Again, guilty as charged. I’ve even gone as far as just staying long enough to say I was there and then going back home.

One of the best ways you can be strategic in your networking efforts is to understand who you need to network with. To know, you must understand what you want to accomplish with your networking efforts.  

Here are some common goals that women have for networking.

•        Connecting with a specific person you have been trying to meet but may not have any connections to through other people.

•        Helping a prospective or current client by introducing them to other people or gathering information that you can share with them.

•        Looking for a group of like-minded people who feed your soul and give you energy and encouragement.

•        Looking for new clients. (When I say looking for new clients this is not a green light to start giving sales pitches. There is nothing wrong with being in the same place as your target audience so that you can begin to cultivate relationships. Just resist the urge to makes sales pitches.)

•        Building credibility. (Networking events are a great way to demonstrate your expertise by volunteering as a guest speaker.)

•        Connecting with a prospective mentor.

•        Powering up a social media campaign. A lot of times social media campaigns fall flat without the willingness of others to cross promote. Engaging with people who have access to your target audience and who are willing to share your posts will multiply your efforts.

So, use your goals or what you want to accomplish to drive your action steps. This is one of the things that will set you apart from other networkers. Not being strategic is what leads to wasting time and contributes to why you leave feeling like you didn’t get anything out of an event but food.

The more thought you put into your networking goals, the clearer it will become where you need to spend your time and who you need to spend it with.

So, what happens when you receive a meeting invitation from someone that doesn’t align with your networking strategy? Do you go any way to avoid burning any bridges? Or, do you decline the invitation to stay focused on what you need to accomplish.

Just say “no”!

It is perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation that isn’t in alignment. Saying “no” is key to not wasting time. It keeps you from wasting yours and it keeps you from wasting theirs. But how do you let them down without causing hard feelings? I have found these three steps to be the most professional way to decline an invitation.

1.       Ask for details

It’s not unusual for me to receive an invitation to coffee from a relative stranger through social media sites such as LinkedIn or Facebook. Not always, but more often than not, it’s because they want to sell me something. (If you have ever attended one of my networking workshops you know that using this type of strategy is an incorrect way of building mutually beneficial relationships with people. But, I digress).

If I’m not familiar with the person or am familiar but unsure of their intentions, I will simply ask them. It can be as easy as saying, “My schedule is really tight over the next several weeks, is there something specific you wanted to discuss over coffee?” If their answer is not in alignment with your goals, then politely decline the invitation by using step 2.

2.       Be honest

If what they are seeking doesn’t align with you then communicate that information in a polite and honest way. For instance, if they are a financial planner looking for new business but you already have a planner that you work with, then tell them.

“It is so nice of you to offer to share information about your services with me, but I already work with a financial planner that I am very happy with. I’m afraid that meeting would not be considerate of either of our time.”

Being honest allows them to update their records so as not to waste their time or your time any further. Then, following up with step three will allow you to end the conversation in a way that benefits them and leaves them with a good feeling about their interaction with you.

3.       Offer resources

Even though your goals may not be in alignment with the person extending the invitation, try not to end the exchange with just a no. Every interaction is an opportunity to build a relationship even if there is no immediate benefit. This is what I mean. Using the financial planner example above, I always offer to be helpful to them even if I’m not a potential customer. I will ask them to forward their contact information and an overview of their services to me so that I can forward it to others when I’m asked for recommendations.

This ends the conversation on a positive note and maybe they will return the favor by referring me to someone in the future. Your offer will depend upon what they are seeking by inviting you to meet. So make sure you are offering something that helps them meet their goals.

There is no rule that says you have to accept every invitation you receive to meet people. Saying “no” in a professional way will keep you from wasting time, keep you focused on your goals, and earn you the respect of those who seek your attention.

How To Stake Claim To Your Worth As a Working Mom

I was listening to an interview the other day with MaryEllen Tribby of workingmomsonly.com and she said something that caught my attention. She said that when women decide to have children we begin to devalue our worth. We are so afraid of losing our jobs or limiting our career progression that we don’t set boundaries and end up killing ourselves.

As a working mom who has put a tremendous amount of focus and emphasis on career, I more than understand the killing of one’s self to stay at the perceived top of your game. I was so afraid that my male counterparts would start to question my dedication to my career once I became a mom that I would work insane hours just to prove I was completely committed and they could count on me no matter what. (Even if there wasn’t enough legitimate work to fill those hours – the thought of being seen leaving the building at a decent hour was too much of a risk).

While I believe that the work culture of most corporations is broken – that’s another topic for another time – I had not really stopped to think about my contribution to the issue until I heard MaryEllen’s statement. It has been said numerous times that no one will value you if you don’t value yourself. What if you, as a working mom, valued yourself enough that others noticed your worth without having to run yourself into the ground? Here are a few ways that I think we can stake claim to our worth as working moms. And although I have listed these three things separately, they really do work in conjunction with each other.

1.       Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is very important to reclaiming or staking claim to your worth. You do not need to accept or volunteer for every project that comes up at work to demonstrate your value. Volunteering only for those projects that strategically advance your career or contribute to your personal development will keep you from getting overwhelmed with a ton of work outside of your core responsibilities allowing you to better manage the number of hours you are required to be at work.

A second way to set boundaries is to determine a target time to leave work every day and stick to it. If you follow that schedule on a consistent basis then people will begin to respect that you leave the office at a certain time. Now, if a critical request is made at the end of the day then you are going to have to figure out how to complete the request before you leave. If you are approached with a non-critical request, then politely explain that you will include it in your task list and let them know when to expect its completion. This will demonstrate to people that you can be counted on while still valuing your time.

Setting boundaries works outside of the work place as well. A lot of times we like to play the martyr by making people think we are the only ones who can pick up the dry cleaning, go to the grocery, feed the children, etc. We also feel like we need to accept every invitation to volunteer or participate in school and social activities to prove our worth as a mom/neighbor/spouse. WE ARE VALUABLE EVEN IF WE DON’T PARTICIPATE IN ANY OF THESE THINGS. WE DO NOT NEED TO PROVE OUR VALUE TO ANYONE BY TAKING ON EXTRAS IF THEY DON’T SERVE US. So, just like using discretion when volunteering for work projects, use discretion when looking at our responsibilities outside of work as well.

2.       Don’t Balance Your Life, Blend It Instead

A balanced life implies that there are clear cut parts of our lives that are in an equal state with each other. I tend to believe that our lives are more of a blending of different parts that ebb and flow depending upon our current situation. For example, you may have to commit to a lot of extra hours at work in order to get through a tough business cycle, like budgeting season, or to complete a big project. But then there are other times that you can dial it back in order to take care of some things at home or put more focus on your family relationships.

The best way to blend your life is to prioritize and honor your calendar. Place absolutely everything on your calendar that is important to you and only keep one calendar. For years I kept a work calendar and a personal calendar. I think that just supports the false notion that you can find balance between the two. Having all of my important items in one place helps me blend work and home more effectively.

Occasionally you will have items in conflict with each other. Immediately decide which will take priority or how you can manage your schedule to accommodate both and then stick to your decision.

3.       Stop Being Busy, Be Productive Instead

Prioritizing your calendar is a great way to help you stop being busy and start being productive instead. So will setting boundaries. However, realizing that sometimes you just have to let some things go is probably the best way to increase productivity and stop killing yourself. You can do this one of two ways. You can either “just say no” or you can build a support system that allows you to delegate the things that just don’t make sense for you to handle.

Just as you need to resist the urge to perform every single task at work to prove your worth, you need to resist the urge to perform every single task at home. If you have a demanding job that requires long work weeks, then give yourself permission to hire someone to clean your house if that’s not the best use of your time. I would much rather use my non-work hours to hang out with my family than clean toilets. Maybe you find cleaning therapeutic but hate doing grocery shopping, give yourself permission to outsource that function. Or ask your spouse or older children to help out. There is no rule that says you have to do everything because you are the mom. They may not do them as well as you do, but sometimes you just have to let some of those things go.

As I said earlier, I truly believe that the majority of our corporate cultures are broken and that companies set unrealistic expectations for the amount of blood, sweat, and tears that their employees are entitled to give them in exchange for a salary. However, I appreciate the new angle that MaryEllen shed on this subject for me. I do think we have a responsibility to not play the victim and to start demanding we be valued as great contributors to the work place by first seeing the value in ourselves, especially after we become moms. Then maybe, just maybe, we can eliminate some of the burden of trying to do it all and start living the quality of life that we know we deserve.

Know When and How to Strategically Take a Time Out

If you are a sports fan of any kind then you understand the importance of strategically taking time outs. If you take them too soon, you may minimize the impact because you didn’t give your team the chance to “play through” an issue. If you wait too long to call the time out, then you may be too late to have a positive effect on the situation. A strategically placed time out allows a team to step away from the action, course correct, and refocus.

The same is true in our lives. Taking an appropriate time out will re-energize and nourish us as individuals, also making a positive impact on those around us. The key is to use time outs strategically. Here’s how.

1.Be aware

Being aware enough to understand when you do and do not need a time out is important. There are a lot of times our body will let us know when it needs a time out. Feeling mentally or physically drained, having a cold that you just can’t shake, and not being able to concentrate are all indications that we need a time out. And the severity of these indications will determine the length of the time out. You may only need a five minute time out if you are struggling to focus but you may need a full day or full week time out if you are mentally fatigued.

I live in Charleston, SC and the spring pollen is unbearable at times. Last week my allergies were so bad that I could barely function. My sore throat, sneezing, coughing, and inability to breathe at night made sleeping very difficult. The lack of sleep was making it difficult to focus when I sat down to write and I was struggling to move forward. Even though I had a lot to do one morning, I took a time out. I went back to bed for two hours and I can’t tell you how much of a difference it made. I was able to power through the rest of my day with a clearer head instead of just slogging through it.

Not everyone can just decide to go back to bed at 7 AM and sleep for two hours but you do have other options for time outs if you aren’t comfortable going in to work a little late. Protect a couple of hours in the evening for you to find a quiet place to read, relax, or even just go to bed early. If you live by yourself, decide that it is okay not to finish the dishes or laundry and just take care of yourself. If you have family responsibilities then ask your partner for some help so you can get the time out that you need.

This works the same when you are mentally fatigued as well. If you are having problems focusing or your patience is wearing thin, then acknowledge the fact that you need a time out and plan to take one – sooner not later.

Also be aware when you don’t need a time out. Taking time out as a procrastination technique is not going to be helpful to you. There is a difference between not being able to focus and not wanting to focus. Taking a time out as an avoidance technique will never work because you need to “play through” whatever block you are experiencing in order to keep progressing forward.

2.Breathe

Once you understand that you need a time out, the next step is to learn how to stop. Just recognizing that a time out is needed is not the same as taking a time out. A lot of times we feel guilty for taking time or feel inadequate because we need one. If you know a time out is in order, then give yourself permission to take it. Then breathe. Take a deep, belly breath. We rarely breathe from this spot deep in our belly and it helps clear our minds, especially when we are feeling mentally fatigued. Connect with the fullness of taking that breath. It will fill you up and allow you to move into your next thing.

3.Reset your intentions

After you spend a couple of minutes breathing, revisit your intention. If you lack focus during a task, what is your intention for that task? What do you want from completing the task? Why do you want it? How will you feel at its completion? You will either discover a new energy for the task that will allow you to refocus and complete it or you will discover that the task is not necessary that that’s why it is draining your energy.

Same questions apply when you are mentally drained. Why are you doing what you are doing? What do you want out of your actions? Do your actions support your intention and your core? If ‘yes’ you will feel a new excitement around your life. If ‘no’ the time out will give you the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-prioritize your actions. If you are feeling run down or ill, your intention will be to give yourself some time to recover so that you can get back to being your best self.

Taking a time out is not a cop out or an indication that you can’t handle things. Our bodies know when we need a break and communicate very clearly with us if we will just take time to listen. Acknowledging that you need a time out and then giving yourself permission to take one shows that you are smart, intuitive, and resourceful. Your body will thank you. Honestly, everyone around you will thank you, too.

Strategic time outs are effective at re-energizing and re-focusing your efforts. Waiting too long to call one will minimize its impact and you may miss your opportunity to step away from the action, course correct, and get back into the game a better version of you.

Mindfulness – The Power of Living Life in the Present

Last year one of my big goals was to learn to live more in the present. As a professional I have always struggled with separating work and home life without guilt. When I am working, I am thinking about all of the things I’m missing with my family and when I’m with my family, I am thinking about all of the things I could be doing for work. I’m passionate about both and that’s what causes the tug-a-war. And when I’m trying to do something for myself (heaven forbid), I am thinking about the time I’m taking away from either work or my family. And then, I feel guilty for thinking about one while trying to participate in the other. It is a never ending cycle that I am sure all of you are familiar with.

But other than trying to eliminate guilt, why is being “present” so important?

1. Being present is one of the building blocks of great communication and connection

Let me ask you a question. Do you feel like you are really connecting with someone when you know they are not really listening to you? This could be your spouse, a child, a co-worker, or someone you just met at a networking event. Do you feel you have clear and effective communication with someone when they never take their eyes off their phone while you are speaking? So imagine how others feel when you choose not to be present in a conversation or even in life? Is your spouse or child going to come to you when they have an issue or share something exciting with you if they feel you never listen?

My mom was always bad about this. She didn’t ignore me on purpose she just always had 10,000 things going on at one time. When I was young I would ask her permission to do things (go outside to play, pull toys out of the bin, grab a snack, etc) and she would answer yes without really listening to my question. Then I would get in trouble once she realized what I was doing. To avoid getting in trouble, I started asking her to “say it” every time she answered me. I needed her to repeat back to me my request and her answer to make sure she actually heard me.

Although I consider my relationship with my mother to be very strong, I don’t share much information with her voluntarily even to this day because she still has 10,000 things going through her mind at any one time and more than likely won’t hear what I have to say. So I stopped sharing a very long time ago. I don’t want my daughter, my husband, my brother, or my friends to ever stop sharing with me.

2. Being present builds significance

Significance is one of every human being’s basic needs. We all need to feel significant. Do you think it makes someone feel less or more significant if they are trying to communicate with you and you don’t look up from your phone? Do you think it makes someone feel less or more significant if you’ve planned special time to be together and they don’t fully participate because they are taking calls, watching TV, reading something, etc? Of course people feel less significant when they feel like they can’t compete with whatever has your attention at this moment.

So, imagine how my daughter feels when she receives a really great grade and I can’t look up from my blog post to acknowledge her accomplishment? She feels that her grade is insignificant to me and therefore she is insignificant. Imagine when my husband is trying to tell me about a new idea he has or something he is interested in and I continue preparing dinner without making eye contact with him. And then to make it worse, I ask him to repeat what he said because I wasn’t listening. He feels insignificant.

What if it is an employee, a friend, a customer/client? Do you think they are going to want to work hard for, be friends with, do business with someone who makes them feel insignificant and unvalued? Getting all of me, not just part of my attention, is something that everyone in my life deserves.

3. Being present makes memories

Actually, not being present makes memories, too. It just depends upon what type of memories you want to make. Do you want the memories that you make with your family and friends to be positive, negative, or just not that memorable at all?

I personally don’t want to miss a moment to connect because I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t want to miss a funny joke because I wasn’t listening. I don’t want to miss my daughter’s service ace because I decided to check my email.

I want people to think of their time spent with me and say that I worked hard when working and I fully participated in life when not working. That’s what I want people to remember of their time with me.

How do you practice being present?

Here are a couple of tips and tricks that will help you learn to live more in the present.

• Understand your “why” and then commit

If you’ve noticed that you are not fully present in your life and want to make changes to correct this, you must understand why it is important to change. If you don’t understand why it’s important, then you will never be able to fully commit to making the changes and you will slip back into your old habits.

• Set boundaries

It is easier to be fully present when you give yourself permission to focus on one thing at a time. The best way to do that is to compartmentalize your activities and then set boundaries. For example, my morning routine begins with some stretching and meditating. This happens after our daughter goes to school but before I start my work day. Because I have set aside this time for me, I have to give myself permission to fully embrace this time and not think about all the things I have on my “to-do” list that day. If I’m thinking about work, then I’m not going to get as much out of the stretching and quiet time. My best ROI is to concentrate on why doing these two things first thing in the morning make me more productive and a better person while not concentrating on the minutes that are slipping away from my work day.

Work time is just that. Thinking about throwing in a load of laundry while I’m writing this blog post is not going to allow me to clearly think about what I want to say in this post. There will be time for laundry later.

If my daughter interrupts me while I am working to tell me a story, I explain that I need to finish something up for work and then she will have my full and undivided attention. And she’s okay with that because she knows that I will really be able to listen to her story if I’m not trying to work and listen at the same time.

When we plan family time, it is important to not allow work interruptions during that time. My clients have learned that I have set work hours. If they contact me outside of those hours there will be a delay before I get back to them. I’m not a heart surgeon – no one will die on the table if I don’t respond immediately. If I schedule family time during normal work hours, then I communicate that I will be away from my desk and will return any messages when I get back. If I need to schedule work time during normal family hours, then I communicate that with my family to set proper expectations.

Put all electronics away after a certain time every day. For example, decide that you are not going to check email (or Facebook) after 7 PM and then protect that time. Make a pact with everyone else in your family to do the same. The difference in the quality of your evenings will be mind-blowing.

• Cut yourself some slack

No one is perfectly present at all times. If you find your mind wandering to work during family time, acknowledge the thoughts – even write them down if you need to – then pull yourself back into the present. If you find yourself sliding back into old habits, acknowledge the slide – apologize to people if necessary – then recommit to your “why”.

We all have grown up under the myth the humans can effectively and efficiently multi-task. Science has recently proven that our brains are not wired to focus on more than one thing at a time. Not only is it polite, respectful, and important to be present, we just plain operate better being present. Go ahead. Give yourself permission to be a better you by being more present. You will notice the difference and so will those around you. Presence is such an important gift to share with everyone. What are some of the ways you practice being present? I would love for you to share your tips and tricks in the comments below.

Aaaahhh!!! I Can’t Do It All!

Do you ever find yourself slumped over your desk with a heavy sense of despair after you’ve just looked at your “to do” list. It is so overwhelming you have no idea where to start except to maybe drive yourself to the ER to address the chest pains that have suddenly appeared.

For many of us career driven women we have much more on our list than just job related “to dos”. We have all of the pressures that society puts on us in addition to what needs to be done at work. If we are married, we are told all the things we need to do to be considered a good wife – keep a tidy house, cook healthy and creative meals, take care of our husbands and make them feel loved and important, be the perfect socializer, etc. If we are mothers, we are told all the things we need to do to be considered a good mom – be actively involved in our children’s educations and volunteer at school, make sure they have a broad range of extracurricular activities and social experiences, make sure they only eat organic food, etc. Whether we have families or not we are told we need to be actively involved in our communities, seek out cultural activities, and take care of ourselves through exercise and special treats like alone time, spa time, etc. It’s impossible to look at social media sites or pick up a magazine without being reminded of our inadequateness.

Oh, and not only are we expected to be able to do everything we are also expected to do all of this without needing any assistance and with a constant smile on our faces. I’ve spent my whole professional career being afraid to ask for help or admitting I didn’t know all of the answers for fear I would be seen as weak or less competent than my male co-workers.

In my early thirties I was one of the only women on a leadership team of twelve. My husband traveled a lot. Like six to eight weeks at a time. I had to balance long hours at a very demanding job with “single” motherhood. My male colleagues could not relate because they all had stay at home wives. They couldn’t understand driving their car at 400 miles per hour to reach daycare before 6PM and avoid having to pay $5 for each minute you are late. They couldn’t understand coming in to work at 5:00 AM so that I could attempt to leave in time to get to daycare by 6PM. They couldn’t understand cleaning the house at 1AM because that was the only time available to do it.

One day my boss pulled me aside to tell me that one of our consultants was pregnant. She was very knowledgeable and billable, which means she was valuable to the company. My boss didn’t want to risk the chance of losing her because of motherhood. He said, “you work insane hours and you don’t have any family here to help when your husband travels. You’ve got it figured out so I would like for you to teach her so that she doesn’t leave.” He had no idea of the stress, struggles, and guilt that went into “having it all figured out.”

But I did have it figured out, at least to an extent. I figured out that I couldn’t do it alone and that it was okay to ask for help. Here are three strategies that helped me:

BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM – AND USE IT

I built a support network of friends – or at least one very dear friend, a group of daycare workers, and neighbors who could get our daughter from daycare or school when my husband was traveling and I was in meetings. They could also get her fed and ready for bed if it happened to be a particularly late night. All were willing to be on call at a moment’s notice and enjoyed playing an important role in our daughter’s life. And even though she is now 13, they still play an important role in her life and I will forever be indebted to them for their willingness to help me keep my sanity.

Sometimes this support system comes in the form of hired help. Contractors who free up your time by mowing your yard, cleaning your house, or running errands can be a huge help and well worth the expense.

Sometimes this support system comes from your partner. Being able to sit down with my husband on a regular basis to go through our calendars is a huge help. It’s a time where we can proactively go through everything that is coming up and be respectful of each other’s time and work load by offering our assistance or help problem solve areas before they become an emergency.

Mentors and sounding boards can also be very important to your support system. Having someone you can turn to for a sanity check, whether it be from a personal standpoint or professional development standpoint will decrease your feelings of isolation and increase your confidence by providing another set of eyes and reassurance.

LEARN TO PRIORITIZE – WHICH MEANS BEING ABLE TO SAY NO

Take the time to understand what “having it all” means to you. Once you understand your definition of “having it all” then you can determine those things you need to do to achieve it and can eliminate or minimize those things that don’t get you any closer to your ideal – regardless of what the outside world says your ideal should be.

I eventually learned that my initial vision of my career – which was an awesome corner office of a large corporation – had come into direct conflict with my desire to be present in my daughter’s life as she grew up. In other words, the long work days, the missed birthday parties, and working at night during family vacations was not how I wanted my daughter to remember her childhood. The night she called me at work to ask if I was sleeping there again was the final straw. I had no less drive or ambition for my career. I just knew that for me, my initial vision was going to have to be adjusted in order to support my shifting priorities. I went through that process and found a new opportunity that gave me the challenges that I needed but also afforded me the flexibility to spend more time with my family.

On a smaller note, making even little adjustments can make a big difference. Is it so bad to have your holiday meal catered if you would prefer to spend time with your family just hanging out rather than being in the kitchen the whole time by yourself? If cooking a large meal causes you stress and creates guilt because you are not taking advantage of your time together, then why put yourself through it? Is it really all that important that your child have hand-made Valentine’s cards for their classmates instead of store bought ones? Are any of those children really going to notice? In most cases we are more worried about what others will think about us if they feel we have cut corners or took the easy way out. Which leads me to the final strategy…

DON’T COMPARE

Social media has been one of the biggest enablers for comparing our lives to those of others. Every day our news feed is a constant reminder of how we are not keeping up with the Jones. Comparing ourselves to what we see on social media or what we read in articles does nothing but make us feel less than and generate guilt and discontent. It’s not a competition. You are not less than worthy if you are not replicating everything you see on Pintrest.

We all are killing ourselves trying to cram more than what’s humanly possible into the 24 hours a day that we are each given. We are serving no one if we finish each day exhausted, grumpy, and guilty for what we weren’t able to accomplish. We can’t do it all. No one can. But learning to ask for help, eliminating those things that aren’t really serving us, and not comparing ourselves to everyone else can help eliminate this particular stress. The pressure we put on ourselves to do it all is generally driven by our insecurities. Once we give ourselves permission to seek assistance, our lives and the lives of those around us will improve drastically. Trust me, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of great genius!

If you are a smart, driven, professional woman who has identified that you need support and are self-aware, courageous, and determined enough to seek it out, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I have several complimentary discovery sessions available during the month of November that can be used to identify the type of assistance that will be helpful to you on your journey. You can contact me at stacy@minerva.partners to schedule a time.